Moon Turned Back For Coming Too Close To Australia

Amateur astronomers are outraged today at a decision by the Australian government before this evening’s supermoon to tow back the moon for having come too close to Australia’s sovereign borders.


Immigration Minister Peter Dutton confirmed in a press conference that the Australian Border Force had taken steps to turn back the moon, citing the proximity of the moon at the perigee of its orbit:


“I don’t care if you’re fleeing war-torn Syria or the moon – if you come to close to our borders, you will not be allowed to come to Australia.


“Most of our policies specifically refer to arrivals by boat but I think it’s not that crazy to logically extend those policies to those that travel here as a result of the elliptical nature of their orbit around the Earth.


“It’s all well and good to temporarily appear larger and brighter due to the convergence of two different astronomical phenomena, but we’ve done this enough to know when someone or something is just trying to come here to both freeload off our social safety nets and also steal our jobs.”


Mr Dutton declined to comment on rumours that the turnback had been accomplished by paying the moon to turn around, telling The Backburner that he cannot comment on suspended-far-above-the-water matters.